Today

"Today is a new day.  Like every day before it.  Each moment in time is precious.  Gone in an instant, never to return again.  Hope springs from the essence of existence.  Forcing us to keep moving.  Colors bring light and life into the world, filling it with purpose that remains unnamed, untouched but still fathomable.  Beauty is not just in the eyes of the beholder, but in the beholder’s perspective of beauty."  



I wouldn't say I'm an optimist.  I'm not a pessimist either (Though I have my moments).  I usually accept things for what they are.  There's no point in being happy about the junk in your life.  But there's no point in complaining on and on and on about the inevitable.  These past few months have been chaotic.  A roller coaster ride that I'm still stuck on and will be stuck on for the foreseeable future. 

High school is hard.  Way harder than I ever thought it was going to be.  I'm not even in actual High school either.  I shudder to think what would've happened to me if I decided to go with my social instinct and go to the High school in our district.  I don't think I would've survived the school year.

I guess you're all wondering how this all relates to the quote at the beginning of this post.  That's a slightly long story.  Well, first off, it's mine.  I wrote it.   Why did I write it?  I'm actually working on a "project."  I put quotes around the word "project" because that makes it seem like someone is making me do it or that it's really important.  And it's really not.  But in another way it is.  I'm writing a piece based around the idea that within a year, a person can change in small ways until they're unrecognizable.  Until they no longer know or understand the person they were 365 days ago.  Nothing tremendously tragic happens to them.  They merely live.  They have their inner demons just like everyone else.

I'm writing this based off of personal experience.  From not only what goes on in my mind, but what I've seen happened in people who are very close to me, people I know and other people who I've only heard about.  I've been fighting my demons very hard lately.  I will not succumb to them any time soon.  But at the same time, maybe saying you won't fail or you won't lose, is the first step to falling.  It's a long way down.  This story tries to explain just how far down it really is.  Once you hit rock bottom, you only have two choices left.  I haven't decided which one I'll end my story with.   This is my turning point.  Oddly enough, I'm finding answers to the very questions that I'm writing.  Hopefully the story will have a happy ending.  Hopefully everything will be okay.  Hopefully the scars won't hurt too much. 

The excerpt above is from Day 1.  I'm calling the piece "The Way We Fall."  Hopefully I'll post some more of it very soon, but no promises.

Talk later,

Amy

Finally!!

So I apologize for not posting for FOREVER.  I've been busy with holidays and family and now with school and work and all that jazz.  But I'm hoping to start posting at least weekly if not every other day.

Anyway.  What have I been up to?  Well I've been working (I babysit)  a LOT.  I babysit for a core group every week and then I have other little random jobs.  Which have been popping up more and more which is pretty exciting for me.  I love being around kids and talking to them and interacting with them.  It's so neat to be a part of their lives and to see them grow up. 

School has started back up too.  I'm taking a math class this term.  It's intermediate algebra, so the step in between algebra 2 and college algebra which I am nowhere near ready for.  I like my teacher, she's pretty nice.  It's a lot of work, but I feel like I'm doing pretty well so far.  Of course it's only a week into term, but it's off to a good start.

I've also been writing SO much.  It's pretty much my therapy right now.  A lot of people who read my writing are surprised and they say that it's good, but either really sad or it doesn't sound like me.  I feel like I can become someone different when I write.  I'm not sure which 'person' is more real.   I think I feel like I can be completely honest when I write.  I feel like I can say everything that I wish I could say in real life.  I feel like I write better than I talk.  Speaking on front of people is not a gift I have been blessed with haha.  Writing for me is so freeing.  It helps me get through different things I struggle with. 

Well, I better get to homework, but I'll post again soon.  And let me know if you guys want to read one of my pieces. 

Amy

Notes about Nothing

So I apologize for not posting for a week and a half...I've been SOO busy studying for my final which I took yesterday and received an A in.  HALLELUJAH!!!  I'm excited for the holidays to start now.  Hanging out with family and friends, going and doing stuff...it's going to be awesome.

I had a great weekend.  I went with a few of my friends to our local robotics tournament where my brother was competing and I helped with the tournament which was a ton of fun AND it counts for National Honor Society volunteer hours, so it's all good.

Then after that, I carpooled with a few of my friends over to this Lord of the Rings Marathon at one of my friends' house.  That was awesome and soooo much fun.  So we stayed up to 2 in the morning, and then the next morning we went to church and then we went back to the house to finish.  It was soo much fun.  I'm so stoked about this Thursday when The Hobbit comes out.  Theater 6 people!!  YESYESYES!

So anyway, life is all good and there are cinnamon rolls baking in the oven which makes everything better right?

Thursdays are quiet...

So it's a Thursday, which basically celebrates the end of the week for me.  I don't have to go anywhere, I have no classes at the college, and I usually have all my homework done except for some Home School stuff.  But I have a LOT to do today.  Thursday is the day when I do all the chores I haven't had time for...See, usually I'm gone all day Sunday working at church and then hanging out with my youth group friends, Monday is the start of school and I'm down at the college for most of the day, Tuesday is hectic, I'm gone ALL day, Wednesday is the same thing.  So I really don't get any home stuff done on those days so Thursday is my catch up day.

I'm starting to head into crunch time.  Otherwise known as dead week.  Otherwise known as 'The week before finals, time to actually start studying you lazy procrastinator' week.  I'm kind of freaking out.  Especially since I'm taking my final four days before when I thought I was going to.  Yeah.  And you want to know why I'm taking it four days earlier?  Well...

Enough said right?  Haha, I almost freaked out in class when my instructor said that he was giving us another optional date to take our final.  That means I get to go to the midnight premier!!  SOOO DANG EXCITED!!  I've waited for this movie FOR YEARS.


Pretty much all of my friends are going.  My dad's picking up my ticket today.  Cross your fingers that I get into the same theater as them!!

But anyway, enough nerd talk...

I better get to school, so talk to you guys later =)

Change

So, I decided to do something different and post one of the many prose pieces I've written.  I wrote this in September.  It's not one of my best, but I hope you guys like it!! 

CHANGE

I made a mistake.  I trusted.  You lied.  I forgave, but didn't forget.  I never did.  The leaves fly away.  Brown and grey and dead.  Everything.  It's all gone and so are you.  But I don't care.  And neither do you.  I know that well by now.  You drew me in further and farther until i couldn't touch the bottom anymore.  I trusted.  You betrayed.  I don't care.  But that was a lie.  The wind turns cold and surrounds me in a nimbus of icy despair.  I'm falling. So fast.  I was blindsided by something I knew was coming.  It's all falling.  From green to red to black.  And back to green.  But each time the cycle repeats, it's harder to stay strong.  Sometimes I almost fail.  I almost don't make it.  I almost give in.  What if I can't escape the black?  What if I can't last till Morning?  But after Summer comes my fall followed by the cold, but after days of mournful waiting.  Spring will eventually emerge.

Tyler Clementi Story

Tyler Clementi was a freshman student at Rutgers University in Piscataway, New Jersey who committed suicide on September 22 2010 due to cyber bullying and harassment. 

1.  Who is responsible for Tyler's Death? Perhaps more than one person is responsible? You may want to place responsibility based on percentage. Some examples of who may hold responsibility are, Tyler himself, Tyler's Parents, Dharun Ravi, Molly Wei, or even Rutger's university?

The key person we should hold responsible for Tyler's death is Tyler himself.  He is the one who  chose to end his life.  Someone did not murder him purposely or force him to kill himself.  We all have free will.  He decided he couldn't take life anymore and chose to use his free will to kill himself.  He was unable to look ahead and see that maybe things could get better.  He was unable to move on.  And I don't blame him.  It was a horrible situation and if I was in his spot, I can't honestly say that I would be able to forgive, forget and move on.  But he was responsible for his own death.  

I just want to be clear.  I'm not excusing Ravi and Wei.  I believe that Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei committed a horrible crime doing what they did.  It was an invasion of privacy.  It was illegal.  They should NOT have done it and I'm not excusing what they did.  

 People could blame Ravi and Wei because they're the ones who taped the video and watched it.  People could blame his parents or more specifically his mom for not accepting him at first.  For making him feel shut out.  People could blame Rutgers University for not taking action quick enough to prevent Tyler from committing suicide.  But in the end, it was Tyler's fault. 

 

2.  Is there something that could have been done to prevent this?  It seems like some people watched the posted video, why didn't anyone step up?

This entire situation bothers me.  The whole idea that Ravi would do that to Clementi, would turn on a webcam when Tyler specifically requested to be alone bothers me.  The idea that Wei would watch it along with four other people in the room.  This is what's wrong with our society.  No one thinks of how the other person, the victim, feels like.  Few want to take a stand for whats right.  And those that do get beaten down.  

What could have been done to prevent this?  

Well, for starters, Ravi could've looked outside of himself and see how HE would feel if Tyler did that to him.  He could've not posted it all on the internet.  Wei could've used better judgment and respect and not watched it with her friends.  Wei could've told Ravi that he was wrong doing that to Tyler.  Wei could've reported Ravi. But they didn't. 

Why did nobody step up?
  Because we're innately human.  Our driving instinct is to survive.  Doing anything that singles us out is contradictory to how we operate.  We're scared to stand up for what's right for fear that we will be rejected.  We're scared that we could be the next victim.  

People also get enjoyment out of another person's pain.  Out of another person's humiliation.  A perfect example of this is the story of Amanda Todd.  Another adolescent who committed suicide due to extreme cyber harassment and bullying.  Because this girl made one mistake, her life was forever changed.  People turned on her and called her horrible things.  She committed suicide because she felt like nobody would ever forgive her for her mistake.  That she was worthless and worse than scum.

  Why do people not stand up for people like this?  Well, maybe it's because it makes us feel less abnormal.  Maybe it gives us security.  Maybe it gives us relief that we're not the only ones who get caught in bad situations.  Or who get publicly embarrassed.   We fear being alone.  We'd rather go with the crowd than stand up for what is morally correct.  We'd rather hurt someone else than be hurt ourselves.
 

3. How do you think that anti-bullying laws will impact cases like this?

Honestly?  Well, I'm going to be my usual depressing self.  I don't think it'll change much.  Except that maybe there will be more accountability for the offender.  Maybe they'll get the punishment they deserve.  But I know it'll still happen.  I know people will still get hurt.  You can't EVER stop bullying.  Maybe you can try to prevent it, but it will never truly stop.  

Anti-bullying laws will impact cases like this by creating more awareness.  By saying outright that bullying is wrong.  That it is a CRIME.  That people get hurt.  Sometimes so badly that they feel like they can't go on.  

Anti-bullying laws are good in theory, but how can we implement them and 'hold' them?  How can we catch every single one?  The answer is we can't.  But we can try.  And as long as people are willing to try, there's still hope for us.  There's still a chance that we can change.  And the more awareness that there is, the more people will be willing to step up.  To stand up for what is right.
  

Today is a Present

So today was a Tuesday meaning that it's the busiest day of my week...I went to the college at 10:30, stayed there till 3:00 then ran errands till 4:00 then had two hours of down time until I had babysitting at 6:30 and then I finally got back at 9.  So, crammed, busy day right?  But I liked it.  It was very productive.

I went to the college to meet with my Computer Science instructor for some advice.  He gave me over and above what I needed and I left VERY excited and pumped up about school.  He's pretty awesome AND he's the one who gave the assignment of creating this blog, so that's another plus.

And then after that, I headed down to this christian club I'm part of called Truth Seekers.  It's a really cool group that's a bit like Campus Crusaders.  After that was done, I headed down to the student center with my friends Derek and Ryan.  We studied together and talked and it was a lot of fun.

I like it down at the college quite a bit.  I like the idea that I can cut three years off of my actual college work.  I like the fact that I can decide what I want to do before I'm actually dishing out a TON of money.  I'm not fully sure what I'm wanting to do.  I want to work with kids.  Teaching and making an impact in a kid's life appeals to me SO much.  But I also want to keep my options open.  Because teaching doesn't make the most money.  But it's something I'm passionate about.  That's why computer science is really appealing to me.  It creates a plethora of options.  It creates SO many more job opportunities and it makes relatively good money.  I like knowing I have a lot of options.  Because having options means you can do what you love.

But anyway, I went to my babysitting job at 6:30 and got back at 9.  I really love the kids in my core group.  They're such awesome people.  And I like knowing that I have that impact on their lives.  I think that I'm going to start doing a kind of devotional with them...So that while their parents are learning, so are they.  I think that would be really cool.  I'll see if I can work that into my schedule.  I just feel like I'm so busy and I'm gone all the time, which I am between school, work, volunteer, social life.  I'm just constantly on the run.

My next entry is going to be a pretty depressing one...but an important one.  One of my homework assignments is to create a blog entry about the story of Tyler Clementi.  For those of you who don't know, Tyler Clementi was a young man going to Rutgers University who committed suicide due to cyber bullying/harassment.  It was and is a very sad, but real story.  And my assignment is to answer questions about where I stand.  Stories like this make me sad.  They make me wonder what our society is coming to.  They make me wonder if there's any good left in the world.  But I know that there is.  In the guy who opens the door for me when he sees my hands are full with school papers.  Or the lady who was handing out the pamphlets for the food drive and clothes drive for the homeless.  Or my instructor who gave up 45 minutes of his own time for me, advising me, which isn't even really his job, but he did it anyway.  Or my mom who does everything for everybody.  And who I love so much.  There's still good in this world.  There are still people who care and who treat everybody with respect and integrity.  The world is still hanging on, we are still here.  And good still exists.  We just have to look for it.  Which makes it all that more precious and special when we see it.